listening:: Cold Hard Bitch by Jet
This song makes me think of him.
I work in the main concession stand at my brother's baseball field at the YMCA because all the good jobs go to sixteen-year-olds and I'm a puny fifteen-year-old skank (the last word there was random..) and because they pay me 20 bucks in cash every night and I only have to work 3 1/2 hours a night. Good deal. Well, the other night it got even better. The concession stand administrators switch every day or something like that, but ANYway, that night the administrator that night was really hot and I found out halfway through the night that his name is Devon. His brother Travis who is two years younger than him was also working there, and he's cute too. But too young. I'm not THAT slutty, you guys...*cough.*
Anyway, my very first impression of Devon was "okay this guy is ubergay." Because he just had that gay...vibe-thing. Very pretty though, and funny. He randomly started singing to himself and when I asked him what he was singing he said "a song..." But he sang me another verse, prompting me to guess, and it was Volcano by Jimmy Buffet! Holy crap! A Jimmy Buffet fan! Do you have any f*ckin idea how rare those are?! I almost jumped on him right there. So we joked around the whole night because I'm usually never serious public unless I'm by myself or pissed. I found myself feeling really sad when he left to go check on the other concession stands (he got to drive a golf cart!!!) or when he was on -- okay, this is sad -- the other side of the room talking to someone over there. The lady, because they don't let kids do it, working the grill that night was really nice too. She seemed so young but she was actually 30. I was thinking more like 21..but that's irrelevant. I turned to her in the beginning of our shift and said "there's something not quite right about that man." She gave me that trying-not-to-laugh smile and nod and said "hey! there's nothing wrong with that!" I was like, "yeah...but I couldn't help but notice." The odd thing is, he got less gay throughout the night and he's smart as hell and funny and he's flippin gorgeous and has the prettiest eyes, and I don't ever notice peoples' eyes. If he is gay, he'll be the third gay guy I've fallen in love with. And I don't mean a crushy love either, dammit. I realized by the end of the night that I was in love with him. Or in lust, whatever. I almost cried because I'm a wuss and I never just TELL people that I love them. I sit and wallow in it. And then it eats me alive. I'm so pathetic. And no matter how many times my heart is slashed right through and ripped to pieces, I still act happy in front of people without even trying. I suppose it's some kind of automatic defense system. I hate it. I have such a fucking high tolerance for emotional torment. I guess if I can't cut myself, I let other people do it for me, except right where it hurts - yes, beware the cheesyness - the heart. Bleh.
FUCK IT ALL.
I'll always love you, Devon.