listening:: Back to the Primitive by Soulfly
I don't know how I'm going to make it through final exams. To be entirely honest, I don't think I am going to get through final exams. I'm just not motivated at all. I keep procrastinating to study, and there's just so much to study. It's funny how much else you realize there is do to when you're trying to force yourself to sit down and study.
I have this problem. I own like twenty strapless bras because I wear slutty things, and I only own about 3 bras with straps. So when I wear the bras with straps and people see the straps, I worry that they think I only own a couple bras. You see, I worry about little things. Small, insignificant things. It may be because I really have nothing else to worry about, or maybe because my thinking is as small and insignificant as I am. I like to think that there's something bigger out there for me, but it's so hard sometimes, and no matter how much crud life throws at me, I still seem to remain optimistic. At least in public. That gets a little annoying. I can't help it though - that's how I'm programmed.
If you saw me by myself at home or whatever, I'm a completely different person. I do a complete 360 from who I am in front of people. It's an ingrained instinct, I guess, to try and make people laugh. This gets me called things like stupid and blonde alot, and I get the feeling people don't take me very seriously. And no matter how hard I try, I'm always cheerful in public, unless I'm thrown into a place with people my age that I don't know at all. But other than that, my public facade is pretty happy-go-lucky. For example: I cried today (long story, don't worry about it). Five minutes later I was laughing and smiling again. What the fuck is up with that? I don't get myself.
At home I'm quiet, depressed, angry, cynical, rude, self-pitying...alot of bad qualities come out in me. So either way I don't find my personality attractive. I'm either annoyingly happy or depressingly creepy. And the problem is, when I get home I get mad at myself for being such a ditz at school. Life is so confusing. I keep telling myself to do good in school, get straight A's and do all that good stuff so my after-college life can be wonderful. I'm just so fricking lazy.
Nowadays, everyone wants attention. This kid at our school is having these wierd problems that only a select few know about, and keep making a big deal about, without actually ever saying what the problem is. Kelly and I are sitting over here like ..."wtf?" And we're sure he's "suicidal" or some crap like that. Well, woohoo, aren't we all? "I'm gonna kill myself so everyone will know my name! lalala" I swear to geebus, being suicidal is like a fad now. And it kinda pisses me off. As the incredibly overused statement goes, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Yeah, it's a little cliche, but it's true. And as the bathroom wall says as of wednesday, "condoms are easier to change than diapers." So use protection, kids!