listening:: "in the shadows" - the rasmus
I have discovered my inner Goth. I still don't consider myself goth; rather, I have accepted it as a facet of my personality. I am attracted to the aesthetics of goth (pale skin, dark clothes, etc), and I embrace sadness just as I embrace happiness. But if all people see is a little gothic girl when they look at me, then that's their mistake and that's their own damn problem.
Today was a horrible, horrible day. Nothing bad explicitly happened, I just came into realization of some things. Number one, most of the people I consider good friends have no classes with me whatsoever. Number two, I realized that I really despise a few people, three of which have the letter "e" as the second letter in their first name. (Not you, Kelly. Not you, Nessa.) I also realized that people are shallower than I had originally cared to believe.
In web design we had to draw pictures to describe how ethics like privacy and confidentiality related to computers. Oh, and it only gets better: all we'll be learning for the first nine weeks are basic HTML tags. Psh. Needless to say, I dropped out of that class and entered Law Studies first quarter and Driver's Ed second quarter with Kelly.
My english teacher has no personality. And she makes too much eye contact. And she makes us write down a new vocabulary word every five minutes. And I strongly disagree with the book we're reading right now. Thus, my favorite subject went out the window.
In study hall I went to Dr. Moosapanah's classroom, which was packed as hell. I said "hi" to Dr. Moosapanah. We seem to be getting along so much better now that we don't have to put up with each other for long periods of time. Talked with Kokila and Kellia and Amanda and Caitlin (Kaitlin?) and Lev, and we laughed alot and Lev talked about his manboobs.
Still. The people here don't feel like real people. I can talk and talk and talk to them but there seems to be nothing beyond the surface. I haven't really connected with many people this year. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the empty shell. I don't know anymore. Interesting coincidence. This song called "Nobody's Real" by Powerman 5000 just came on. I want to go to Middleton with Emily where nobody gives a shit.
One day, I hope to find someone as wierd as me. Or someone who appreciates my wierdness. Someone I can be cynical with and who will sit around and play video games with me all day. One day, I'll find someone who can find beauty in things other than gigantic breasts and long shiny hair. And who doesn't mind if I paint my nails neon yellow. Someone who doesn't like reality, either. Someone who doesn't want marraige or kids or a normal, routine life. But what, then? Everyone needs an adventure, but all we get are jobs and poopy diapers and wrinkly skin and electric bills. If I could go back to medieval times, I would, because that's the time when men could be knights and have a kingdom to defend and a beauty to win, instead of chasing down cheap whores and then retiring silently into the cycle of business life and married life. Wow. This is so depressing.
But all I want is to escape. Everyday I wish that I could be sucked into my Playstation and live in my sacred Final Fantasy games.
I don't care how nerdy you think I am. Because if it ever happened (*cough*), my life would sure as hell be more exciting than yours. At least I'm trying, right? And if I ever do "settle down", then you can rub it in my face that I failed, that I gave up, that I couldn't find a way out so I caved. But it would be my very, very last resort.