listening:: "strawberry gashes" - jack off jill
"You're living like a disaster / She said, kill me faster"
This guy wanted me to throw him his backpack, so I did, and I also accidentally hit Tekia on the back of the head with it. I tried to apologize, really I did. She ignored me as if I'd commited the worst kind of crime against her, and all the people around her just looked at me funny. I felt so incredibly horrible, and I didn't know why I felt so bad. It was a mistake, and I was fully prepared to apologize and even tell her a story about myself getting knocked off the balance beam by a well-thrown football in elementary school. But no, instead, she decided to be rude and give me a "look" before ignoring me completely. I cannot even explain how bad this made me feel. And Kristin, who's just my favoritist person in the whole wide world decided to throw the towel in by saying "Christine, you have no friends on this bus. Everyone just acts like your friend." I know she was kidding, but people don't understand that I deal with serious depression problems and that talking to me like that screws up my head big time.
I cried. I always do.
But it's not fair to say I'm a crybaby. I'm also not one of those children who are scarred by a huge, unfortunate event in their past. I'm one of those children who are scarred constantly by little things every day. "What doesn't kill makes you stronger," right? Nu-uh. I've been through my share, and I only seem to get weaker and angrier and more depressed inside, but my subconcious takes all the rage and converts it into insane happiness on the outside. And it certainly doesn't help. I have to take all kinds of crap. "You're such a whore, Christine." "You're weird, you're a freak." "You're so stupid Christine." "You're retarded, you're dumb, you're stupid, you're stupid, you're stupid." I'm stupid. They said so, so I must be, right? There's only so many times you can hear something before you start to believe it. It's hard, but this story is not entirely an unhappy one. I'm proud of myself for not bursting under the metaphorical pressure and for not cutting myself even though I do have alot of built up anger. I didn't realize I did until Kegan kept pointing it out last year, and when I started to pay attention to myself, I realized I snap all the time, especially at my parents.
I guess I just don't kknow how to talk to people. Why? Because if I'm not in school, what am I doing? I'm inside. All. day. long. Playing video games and listening to music and playing on the internet. How am I supposed to interact properly with humans if all I know are machines?
So after wiping away my tears, I rode the rest of the bus ride home in my santuary of Coal Chamber music, and the verses that describe me so well still ring in my head:
"You have messed up, can't do anything. And I have messed up, can't do anything.
You're just a fuck up, I'm just a fuck up, we're just two fuck-ups. At least we're fucked up together."
I'm sorry guys. I know you want to hear happy happy stories with funny punch lines that you can tell your friends about, but hey, this is my life, mmkay? But don't worry - it's not always this bad. Okay? So cheer up! ^_^ Here's something that will make you happy: I'm going to go and tell Devon I love him! ("Omg, Christine, you haven't gotten over that yet?" ...um, nope). I was up all night thinking about what I should say, and I think I've got it down now. I never have to see him again if I don't want to, so if he ends up just thinking I'm an obsessed fangirl, it won't be too bad. I just don't feel right going on living without ever telling him. So...pray for me. *Crosses fingers*